We’re at just over 3 months now since I had PRK Laser eye surgery, can you believe it? What a ride it has been so far. The first week was pure, unadulterated hell, and I was in agony. The weeks after were a nightmare of blurry vision, extremely dry eyes, inability to focus on ANYTHING, and, always in the back of my mind, the nagging feeling that I’d made the worst mistake of my entire life. This carried on for weeks. At the end of April I was at my wit’s end, and being very vocal about it at the Lasik offices. They referred me to a second surgeon – remember Dr. Dipstick? The therapy he prescribed meant another week of hell, this time with even worse vision, and stinging eye drops. I couldn’t drive and could barely focus well enough to see the huge monitor in front of me as I worked. Headache for a solid week. I was positive they were grasping at straws, knowing I was volatile, and simply trying to put off the inevitable detonation.

Colour me surprised then, when the week was up and I removed the contacts so I could drive myself to the clinic (30 mins away) and… *gasp* my world came into focus!

Dipstick though he certainly was, it seems he knew what he was doing! The contacts and drops (I guess) further healed and trained (?) my eyes to the point where it made a dramatic difference. You have no idea how relieved I have been since that day. My eyes continue to improve – slowly but surely. My left eye is now 20/20, and my right eye is 20/30 (not as good) due to the residual astigmatism that was not fully corrected. The doctor I saw today said that my vision has not yet stabilized, and further improvement is to be expected. Because I am left-eye-dominant, I’m not bothered at all by the weaker right eye, and I will NOT be having a “touch up” this summer. My choice, but I don’t see that it’s necessary if I’m happy with my vision. Another relief.

So have I changed my tune where PRK is concerned? As relieved as I am, and even though I can see quite well now after 3 months, NO, I haven’t changed my attitude towards it. I still maintain that had I been told the truth about what I was going to go through that first week and the weeks that followed, I probably would never have gone through with it. That kind of thing – that kind of trauma – stays with you, and it’s going to be a long time before I can get past it.

This morning as I was leaving the clinic I rode the elevator down with the mom of a patient who was at that very moment having PRK performed. She was animated as she told me how he’d taken the rest of the week off work, and was looking forward to seeing perfectly within a couple weeks.

Yeahhhh.

I did not enjoy watching the colour drain from her face as I gently explained to her that the next few weeks were almost assuredly not going to go as expected. They hadn’t told him about the kind of pain he was facing, minimizing it as they had with me. They hadn’t explained to him that driving at night would be painful and potentially dangerous due to extreme light sensitivity. They hadn’t told him that he might not be seeing very well for weeks or maybe even months. I left her with some suggestions on how to keep him more comfortable for his week from hell, shook my head, and told her good luck.

Wish I’d had someone to talk to about it when I started down this path.

Yesterday I had my 2 month checkup at the Lasik MD clinic where I had PRK laser surgery in February. You all know by now that it hasn’t been going all that well, so I was pretty ticked off walking in there.

At the front desk as I checked in 40 minutes early (I was mistaken about the time) I met someone checking in for her initial consultation. As I wasn’t wearing glasses, she eagerly asked me what I had had done, obviously expecting an equally chipper response. Well, she didn’t get it, obviously. I carefully said “PRK…” to which she said “Oh, and how did that go?”

Well, conundrum. Do I want to cause this woman to freak out and maybe not go through with whatever she’s in for, and at the same time distress the receptionist and the various techs milling around behind the desk?

Sure I do!

But I didn’t say what I wanted to say, and only smiled thinly and said, “You don’t want to know, actually. It’s been two months and I’m not a happy camper.”

Chipper’s (can I call you Chipper?) eyes suddenly turned saucer-shaped, and the receptionist quickly started a conversation with her to distract her. I walked out into the foyer instead of heading towards the waiting room, and Chipper’s buddy nonchalantly turned and came after me, as I knew she would.

Still I was very careful about what I said. I realize I’m not the typical scenario for laser surgery, and most people are very happy with their results. They wouldn’t be in business if it were otherwise. I told Chipper’s friend that whatever she turned out to be a candidate for, she should at the very least do some heavy duty reading about it, because the clinic staff are trained to be as vague as possible where “discomfort” and “recovery” are concerned. I did tell her about the pain I’d gone through, and that at the 2 month mark I was nowhere near where I should be. I gave her the address to my blog, too ;)

What do you know? My name was called about 90 seconds after I’d made my little announcement at the reception desk! Funny, I was pretty sure there were a dozen people ahead of me, and yet they decided I shouldn’t have to wait that 40 minutes until my appointment time. Go figure.

So I had my little checkup, at which time I made it very clear that I was unhappy, and at the end of my rope where recovery was concerned. My quality of life is suffering – the eye strain I get just trying to work and focus on my monitor is pretty extreme. Sure, I can see to drive just fine, but how much of my day is spent doing that? It’s the closer up tasks that I’m simply unable to do properly anymore. The girl doing my checkup took me for some extra scans, and said that while my eyes look “great”, she wanted another doctor’s opinion, and there might be something they could try.

So I had a seat in the waiting room. Right next to Chipper and her friend, in fact :) I waited for half an hour for the second doctor to be freed up to speak to me, and in that time, Chipper got my full story, as did all the other people in the area who were pretending not to listen. I wasn’t nasty about it – I held myself in check (are you proud of me? Should be… took a real effort!) and recounted the first week, how I was treated during the operation, and how traumatized I’d felt, and simply that I didn’t feel I’d been properly prepared for the aftermath. Turns out Chipper was not a candidate for Lasik OR PRK, and that they were going to do an implant instead. Like a cataract procedure, only she didn’t yet have cataracts. I told her that she should definitely go for it, the recovery would be far less of an issue for her, and her quality of life would improve.

So anyway, when this second doctor called me in (I was pretty sure he’d heard at least part of what I was saying to Chipper) he was pretty careful with me. He did some further scans, and then guess what he told me?

I’d been over-corrected. Now, instead of being myopic (near sighted), I am somewhat FAR SIGHTED, which accounts for the fact that I can’t focus on anything close to me. And also, some of the astigmatism was not corrected at all, which further exacerbates the issue. Oh, I’m just SO happy. So freaking, wonderfully, bloody happy. Can you tell?

So Dr. Dipstick decides that there is one thing we can try, and off he goes to find me some contacts. Gives me a prescription for healing eyedrops at the same time, says to try both for a week, and then come back.

“Oh, and by the way, this only works in about 50% of patients.”

“Oh, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll redo surgery at the 6 month mark and give you a ‘touch up’.”

“Oh, and I’ll put those contacts in for you right now.” Which he does, after first squirting his hands with PURELL hand sanitizer!

OH MY GOD.

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Of course, when you have small kids, that is pretty much how it has to be, right? The kids come first, and making them the best they can be is priority numero uno. I don’t have a problem with that, really – my kids do come first, and I cannot imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t give up my life for either of them, without a second thought. My husband and I have been fairly equal in our relationship over the past 20 years, neither of us really stepping on the other one too much. That doesn’t sound too utterly wonderful though, does it! Don’t get me wrong; we love each other, have a strong bond, and a history that cannot be denied. We have had some wonderful experiences together. Has it changed since the early uber passionate days of yore tho? Sure. We’re not the same people we were back then. We’ve earned many a silver (me) or white (him) hair along the way, and developed some pretty deep laugh lines too! But yes, things have changed.

If I were a man, people would be nodding and whispering “Midlife Crisis”   behind my back, fully expecting me to run out and purchase a cherry red sports car and start leering at young chippies on the street. But I’m not. A man, I mean. And chippies don’t do much for me either ;)

I don’t like the term “Midlife Crisis”. While whats happening is definitely at “mid life”, I’m not so much in crisis as I am unsatisfied with the way I’m living my life. I don’t want to do this for another 43 years. To that end, a few months ago I decided that 2010 was the year I’d reinvent myself. Jenn v2.0 is in full development.

Guess what? You’ve been along for the ride without even knowing it! Remember when I had my eyes done? That was Step One. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion 2 months later that I made a huge, life-altering mistake with that, since I still can’t see worth a damn, and what I could see before (close up, like… working on the computer and doing anything tiny) I can’t see now. I have my 2 month appointment with Lasik MD next week, and boy are they going to get an earful.

I digress.

My group came about long before I made the declaration of this being “my year”, but in some ways they have been the catalyst for change. I never expected to fall in love with the three of them, or have their presence in my life make such a dramatic difference. That this happened certainly has changed things, and it has changed me. I’m a better person because of them, and a much, much happier one. I owe them big time.

Realizing I was in a rut, I’ve made some decisions. I’ve changed my style, I’ve changed my hair, and I’ve changed my attitude. I’m working very hard on getting healthier. I’ve come out of hibernation. I was vibrant and exciting once, and come hell or high water, I will be again.

Priorities need to change. Purging needs to occur. Out with the old, in with the new. There are many things left to be done before v2.0 is a done-deal, but I feel that I’m on the right path. Things that include reconnecting with the Hubby as we begin the second half of our lives, and setting the kids on their own proper path as well. The Teen has been reinventing herself too, as Teens are wont to do. She’s a great kid all told, and the things that need work will fall into line as she comes to realize how important they are for her future. Wee One will have lots of experience to draw on as she follows her own path as well, and I have no worries where she is concerned. In a way, Jenn v2.0 is dragging my family and friends along whether they know it or not. Things are changing.

This sounds like a wrap-up to something, doesn’t it?! I don’t mean for it to be though, unless you count my old life, living in the rut. That chapter is definitely done.

We’re setting off on an adventure; you and I. Like all great adventures, it has no set destination, no worn path, and there are no rules. Well, perhaps one. I will be true to myself.

Stick around; could be a wild ride…

As most of you know, I underwent PRK Advanced Custom Wavefront laser eye surgery last Monday. Following that has been, in all honesty, the week from hell.

A quick [simplified] lesson in the differences between Lasik and PRK surgeries:

With Lasik, there is a flap of tissue lifted on your eye, which is then treated with the precision laser, and then the flap is replaced. It is painless, quick, and recovery time is negligible.

With PRK, there isn’t sufficient corneal tissue to create a flap (there may also be other factors), so the top epithelial layer is removed entirely, the precision laser is used, and then a protective contact lens is placed over the area while the epithelial layer regrows, which usually takes 3-5 days. The procedure is also painless and quick, but the difference in recovery is where we part company with the happy Lasik treatment.

As much as I was excited and so looking forward to this surgery, had I known the agony I would be in for 3 solid days, I am not so sure I would have opted to undergo this procedure.

Understand that I have a very high pain tolerance, and I’ve also been through 2 painful pregnancies, one of which culminated in an extremely unpleasant birth. This, my friends, was worse. The literature and clinic staff did very little to prepare me for what was to come. They said there would be “mild to moderate discomfort, while a “small minority” may experience a lot of pain”.

They lied.

I would be considered one of the “small minority”, but now that I’ve been speaking to more and more people who have had this done, including a couple of the clinic techs, I’ve come to realize that the norm is extreme pain, and the “small minority” experience moderate pain. I don’t think the “mild pain” recipients even exist. They appear to be trained to minimize the discomfort in their literature and preop consultations, and use words like “uncomfortable” rather than “painful”. Granted, every person walking into their clinic represents $2,000 – $5,000, and money is obviously their goal here. Telling them the bald-faced truth would have the PRK candidates running for the hills.

In retrospect, the pain wasn’t my only issue with this experience. The surgeon who did my procedure also added to my nightmare. Yes, he was the best, and yes, he did a bang-up job. But the man was a machine, and treated me like a piece of meat. Zero reassurance, zero bed-side smarts. He didn’t warn me at any point or explain what he was doing, which was beyond disconcerting, and extremely traumatizing. So I was probably in shock too, wrapped tight in multiple warm blankets in my dark bedroom, shaking like a leaf for the better part of 3 days.

I debated whether or not to go into great detail about the procedure, and I think I’ve decided to spare you the details. If you really want to know, you can email me [jenn@... my domain name: you can figure it out] and we’ll chat.

Confession: I love Codeine, and would have married Codeine last week had it been possible. Even if I am a teensy bit allergic to it, and got the most amazing rash after using it, and even though, for a time, it only took a tiny bit of the edge off. We parted ways on Friday once the worst was over, but Codeine will always have a special place in my heart. I love you, Codeine.

My hubby got major bonus points and pretty much made up for a dismal Valentines by taking very good care of me while I was laid low and blind. He gently woke me every couple of hours for multiple eye drops or mega doses of pain pills until I was able to take over and do them myself. He made me eat when I didn’t want to, just to keep my strength up. I don’t know what I would have done without him.

And then there were my sweet friends: ShaMoo, J-B, and Knarf. Always there for me; true blue. ShaMoo showed up on day three to deliver this gorgeous fruit bouquet from the three of them:

I was just able to get a shot of it with my cell phone before Wee One got going on it. There were, after all, chocolate covered strawberries involved. She managed to get a couple before I got the phone out, you’ll notice. Yes, I did manage to get my fair share of it, if you’re wondering.

So you’re probably wondering what the results of the procedure was, unless I miss my guess? Well, I haven’t reached the final results yet. The recovery takes time, and I’m only at the 1 week mark. It could take at least a week more before my vision clears to where it’s going to settle. Yes, I see better. Some things are clear. Some things are not. It’s a little frustrating to be honest, considering what I went through last week. By mid-evening I’m still experiencing pain and fatigue, and I still need migraine strength pain medication to fall asleep. My eyes are unbelievably dry, to the point where I need to pry open my bottom lid and insert eye drops just to get them fully open every morning. Not fun. I will need reading glasses, and did in fact purchase my first pair just this morning. I’m ok with that though – there are some damn cute reading specs out there!

I’m not driving yet, although I suspect I’ll be ok to do that this week, at least during the day. Night time driving will take a while longer. I’m thankful to J-B for offering to be my ride home on nights when we’re out together at rehearsal! Like I said: True Blue. Hope he doesn’t get sick of me…

With PRK there is the potential for regression, so down the road I might find that my vision needs to be “enhanced” again. As long as I have corneal tissue, this is possible. Enhancements are also included in the initial cost, so if I do opt to do it again, I don’t have any further out of pocket expenses past medication. But wow. Would I do it again? Honestly? I don’t know. I’d certainly have to think long and hard about it. If I could fix it so I would be completely unconscious for 2 days, I just might! Time, as they say, will tell.

I am definitely going to enjoy not wearing glasses anymore. Of that I am 100% certain!

All my life I’ve been living with horrible vision, which has held me back from so many things I’ve wanted to do! When I was little I wanted to be a pilot. A fighter pilot, actually, and then a commercial pilot. Kinda need to have good eyes for that. Then of course, my passion was swimming. I was a synchronized swimmer, and it put such a damper on things when I couldn’t see my team clearly, and missed moves, etc. Gave that up eventually. Even vacations were a pain – scuba or snorkeling was limited and I never did it enough to justify the money for a prescription mask, so missed out on many adventures!

It’s been a crutch I’ve used, too, but this isn’t a post about negatives.

But no more. On Monday I’m finally doing what I’ve dreamed about since laser vision correction became available, years ago. Finally I can afford to SEE. Finally I can justify doing something just for me.

I feel as though I’m in a chrysalis stage, waiting to awaken to a whole new world.

Am I building this into something unrealistic? Do I really expect my whole world to change in an instant, and have everything I’ve ever wanted realized? Nah. But things will change. And I cannot wait.

So I won’t be here next week. PRK correction takes longer to recover from, and I won’t be online or driving for about a week. I will be depending on the kindness of strangers for rides (ok, loved ones, not strangers) and scheduling a few posts (the haiku, of course, and maybe a couple others if I have time) and I’m awaiting a guest post from ShaMoo that will hopefully arrive in time to be scheduled for that time too.

So excited. See you soon!