You know, I’m not the kind of blogger who likes to air every speck of dirty laundry for all the world to see. I don’t like to read a consistently whiny writer, one who dwells on nonsense (like reality TV and those creepy Kardashians; I still can’t figure out why they’re famous) or one who sugar-coats everything, to have you believe they’re tra-la-la happily tripping through life in some sort of Martha Stewart dream world. I fall into the “realistic” category I think, and share that which I think can safely be shared, without waving my skivvies at you. You don’t need to know every minute detail of my usually boring, normal life.

I guess if you’re still around though, you like at least some of what I have to say, and that I say it how I see it. I do speak the same way as I write, as those of you who know me outside of the blog can attest. This is me.

As I write this, you can probably already sense that I’m melancholy. I’m sad. Feeling a bit lost.

I’m not looking forward to Christmas, either, and traditionally it has always been my favourite time of year. The sounds, the smells, the excitement… Not this year. Why is that? I should be thrilled – my shopping is done, and it was the easiest year for that I’ve ever experienced! I’m done with holiday singing gigs (with my big group) too, so I can relax for the rest of the year, and recuperate! Still… I just don’t feel it.

Oh, things aren’t all bad, don’t get me wrong! My kids and husband are fine, and healthy. Hubby has a good job. We’re in good shape financially, for once. My parents are fine. We have some terrific friends, including some we met only recently. So much to be grateful for!

I do miss my grandmother, who we lost in June, just shy of her 100th birthday. I keep “seeing” her lately, in other elderly ladies, and in sounds and sights that remind me of her. It’s not a crushing sadness, since she hadn’t really been there for a long time… it’s a quiet kind of ache. Feeling the loss.

One big blow that happened this year was the non-reunion of my beloved group; Main Street. I finally have had to come to terms with the fact that the group simply is not going to get back together again, as much as I had hoped that it would happen.

ShaMoo moved on with someone else quite a while back, and we knew that was the end of her involvement. I wish her well, and I really am happy she has found something that fits her so well.

Walt has had so much on his plate with ailing parents and a busy, hectic personal and professional life that we never really expected him to return to us, although I think if the conditions were right, he would have collaborated on a project or two just to be with us again. He felt the “goodness” of the group too, even if he couldn’t commit to it. Still a friend, and still around, so it’s all good.

Most recently though was the real heartbreak; when John (J-B) told me – gently – that he doesn’t see Main Street in his future anymore. It was the final thrust of the knife, and while I knew in my head that it was coming, the crushing heartbreak of it was a real surprise to me. We had lunch a few days ago, and he told me why it has to be so. I can’t discuss his reasons, but I respect them, and can’t fight him on it. He’s right, and there’s no fighting that. He knows that I love him dearly, and all in all, I’m content to continue to have him in my life as a very dear friend. It’s enough to know that he feels the same. If nothing else, Main Street brought me an absolutely wonderful friend, and a heart full of memories that I’ll cherish forever.

For now I have to give myself time to mourn the demise of Main Street. I will put it together again one day – I’m keeping the name, the music, and the domains. I’ll find other voices to give it life once more… even though it won’t be the same. It never could be.

Moving on…

The Teen has had a rough year. She’s been waffling on her direction, and is feeling a lot of pressure to make “THE DECISION” on what path to take. It’s not an easy decision, but as I keep reminding her, she doesn’t need to decide the whole rest of her life just yet. She’s young – just 17 – and all she needs to do is decide on a general direction. A footpath. The thing about directions and decisions? You can change your mind. You can alter course. As long as you keep moving and exploring your options, it’s all good. Just do your best, and that is all anyone can expect of you. Of course, when you’re 17… everything is so much bigger than it really is. I’m confident she’ll find her way when the time is right.

Wee One has had a terrific year, in contrast. We found a fantastic tutor in the spring to help her with basic things that she has fallen behind on due to her anxiety, and through this wonderful woman, she has found herself. How wonderful to see her blossoming! And such a relief, I can’t even begin to tell you. It’s showing in everything that she does as her confidence in herself grows.

Hubby and I had a semi-rough year last year, but I’m happy that we have refocused ourselves, and our marriage has gotten stronger. Every couple goes through ups and downs, and we’re no different. We had our 20th anniversary on June 1st this year, celebrated on the beach in Cuba. It was a wonderful vacation, and we found something again that had been dormant for a while. A spark? Yes, that’s probably the best description. We have made a point of getting away together every so often, even for just a day or two, and in doing so, we’ve found our way again. He’s a good man, and I’m a very lucky lady to have him.

We bought a new house in February, which is not yet built. In fact, we were supposed to move into it 3 days ago, but we’ve been pushed back twice so far, and now we likely won’t be into it until August of 2012! It has not been a good experience, by any stretch. This will probably be the very last “new build” we ever purchase, because I have hated the entire process from the get-go. At this point I don’t even care if we move into it or not – I’d be just as happy to sell the damn thing and move somewhere else. The only saving grace is that it has already made us a considerable amount of money as the prices continue to climb. But still… grrrr.

Yep, even though it’s not yet over, I’m looking forward to getting this year into my rear-view mirror. 2012 is a fresh year, and full of promise!

Not to worry, I haven’t had any news to that effect! I was just standing in my deep thinking spot (the shower) a little while ago, and started to think about that. The song “Live like you were dying” was playing earlier, and it always makes me think.

Well, as much as I love that song, there is no way in HELL I’d be going sky diving. I’ve already been Rocky Mountain climbing (and also fell down a mountain in the Rockies while skiing many years ago). I have no desire to ride a bull (by any name), for any length of time. The rest? Oh yeah. But I sure don’t need to be dying to do any of that, do I.

The first thing that came to my mind as I pondered the scenario was how much I love my kids. That got me to thinking about all the things I could be doing with them, dying or not. As a self-imposed workaholic, I know full well that I’m wasting precious time with my girls. The Teen is almost grown now, and really, how much time do I have left with her living here at home? She uttered the words “apartment with my friends” the other day, and I could feel the loss as though it were already happening. There is no way to get this time back, so what in the world am I doing, squandering it sitting here when I don’t absolutely have to be??

I mentioned that I was burnt out and highly stressed the other day. Why is that? Do I really need to sit here all day (and often all evening) like I do, and put things off, forget about my schedule and play things by the seat of my pants (which are bigger because of exactly that, thankyouverymuch) every day? Do I really need to create more work for myself by taking on new projects? Do I need to spend as much time on Facebook and Google+ as I do? The answer to all of that is a resounding NO.

So the question I’ve posed to you, and to myself, is “What would you do if you only had a year to live“.

Well, what makes me happy? Nah, “things” don’t really make me happy. Ok, then, WHO makes me happy? Definitely my kids. The Hubby. Boo (cat) and Sadie (dog). My parents. A small handful of friends, who don’t need to be named here; you know who you are. My blog – most of the time. My bloggy friends, especially the ones who stick around even when I’m brain-farting and don’t have much to say.

I’d spend a little time getting my affairs in order. I’d write a lot of letters to the people who hold a special place in my heart, and finish the ones I’ve been writing to my girls since they were born. I’d travel with my kids and hubby, show them the world, and share in their adventures. I’d treat my husband the same way as I do now, because he knows how much I love to be in his arms. I’d play games and read to Wee One a lot more, and hold her tight for as long as she wanted me to, and probably a little bit longer. I’d sit with the Teen on the couch more like she’s always asking me to, and watch movies, and spend more “girl” time with her, one on one.

I’d laugh, a lot, with friends who know me and love me anyway.

I’d write and journal more, and put down all of the wonderful things I’ve seen and done, and my hopes and dreams, and all the wishes I have for my family.

Probably the question I should be asking myself is Why am I not doing all of that already? Or at least as much as I should? Sure, my kids know I love them – I tell them and show them every day of their lives. But I’ve also turned down opportunities to be with them and have fun because I was too busy. What do you suppose they’re going to remember most about me, if that is the sort of thing I keep doing?

I think we should all live like we were dying. Don’t you?

In a post about looking forward, I have to look back a little bit.

Last year was possibly one of the best I’ve ever had. I had so many joys in my life, including and especially my group, Main Street. The joy the group – the people – gave me was beyond anything I’ve experienced before, although I’ve been involved in a few other groups in my day. Nothing compares to what we found together though. Our sound, our friendship. Amazing.

…things change. First we had a falling out with Knarf, which I won’t go into, but it caused a lot of damage. In retrospect I suppose it was this event that caused the rest of it to slowly fall apart. We stayed together, added accompanist Walt to our voices, and made it through the rest of the year. It wasn’t the same, but it was good. After Christmas though, Walt had to step back due to personal things he needed to attend to, and Main Street went into a sort of limbo. Through all of this, I really tried hard to keep things together, and look to getting back together with a new voice some time this year.

It wasn’t meant to be. Last week we finally agreed (me last, and very very reluctantly) that it was just not going to happen again for us, and Main Street was disbanded.

I won’t lie to you; this hurts like hell. I’m heartbroken. Even though I could see the writing on the wall… I tried so hard to believe we could make it. ShaMoo has moved on, and is doing well with another friend of ours who plays guitar, and I sincerely wish them both well. J-B and I still sing together in the big choir, and remain fast friends. This is the one saving grace in all of this mess; I still see J-B, even if we’re not singing in our own group anymore. I’d love to believe that one day we could be again, but… I know we probably won’t. One more heart ache.

Main Street wasn’t the only good thing in my life, but for a while it was one of the very best. I have memories that will be with me forever, and… I will get over this, eventually. Who knows, maybe I’ll start a new group again some time.

In the mean time, life goes on, right?

There are so many other great things in my life. On June 1st the Hubby and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary on a beach at a Sandals resort! We leave on Sunday, and I cannot WAIT. Sand, sun, kayaking, scuba diving… oh yeah, baby!

We’ll be gone for a week, and while I’ll schedule SHW as normal for Wednesday, I won’t be around to visit until I come back. There won’t be a GPM (guest post Monday) next week either, and think maybe I’ll put that on the back burner for the summer. J-B still owes me one, so maybe over the summer I’ll get that out of him :)

Looking forward to getting out and enjoying summer this year too! Maybe some camping, kayaking, hiking… and watching our new house being built! They haven’t even broken ground on it yet though, the weather has been so miserable this spring. Looks like we’ll be moving in after Christmas instead of before. Ah well. More time to think about colours and look at paint chips, yes?

Hope you have a wonderful week – I’ll think about you while I’m sipping exotic cocktails on the beach next week! Or, you know… not. ;)

Sensational Haiku Wednesday

Welcome to “Sensational Haiku Wednesday!”

Click here for info and background on this weekly event!

The basics:

Haiku is simple! It is 3 non-rhyming lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables respectively (a great way to use your fingers!)

This week’s theme is: Noel

My Children, sleeping
the snow is softly falling
Dreams in the distance

Believe with your heart
Hear the melody playing
There’s no time to waste

Much to celebrate
Give your dreams the wings to fly
If you just Believe

I cheated a bit, and used snippets of the song “Believe“, which is my favourite Christmas song that Main Street sings. Every time we sing it, it makes me happy, as do the loved ones I sing it with.

I wish all of my readers and with this post especially, my haiku friends, a very Merry Christmas, and all the best for the new year!

Cheers!
–Jenn

Next week’s theme: Frost, compliments of Victoria!

Note: Nothing makes me happier than to see new people getting “hooked on haiku”! Keep it going to make it to the Hooked on Haiku List

To participate in this week’s event, please use the following code in your post on your own blog (if you don’t have a blog, post your Haiku as a comment):

<a href="http://youknowthatblog.com/tag/haiku-wednesday"><img src="http://youknowthatblog.com/images/youknowthatblog-haiku2.jpg" width="250" height="160" alt="Join the fun!" title="Join the fun!"></a>

Not only is it the month leading up to Commercialism Greedmas Christmas, but it’s also the busiest time of year for Main Street.

I expect that by Christmas morning I’ll be in the fetal position, but in the mean time we have/have had 3 gigs (shows, concerts, guest appearances, etc.) each week, leading up to the big one on December 20th where we will be spending 7+ hours performing off and on for the crowds at Troy’s Toy Drive. This is a huge televised fundraiser put on by my friend and all around fantastic guy Troy Newton, owner of the Troy’s Diner restaurant chain here in Southern Ontario. It’s covered from 6-9am by Jennifer Valentyne and City TV’s Breakfast Television (BT), Milton Today TV who will have a live stream online for the entire event, and a host of other media.

What can I say about Troy? When it comes to supporting a community, this man puts out a herculean effort, year round. Last year he got together with his buddy Tiger and put the first Toy Drive together in nothing flat. It was a major success (and a scheduling nightmare, which we’ve definitely learned from!) and this year’s will be miles better.

Remember that post from a couple weeks ago about OoO? I tell you, that stuff is a miracle worker. I started taking it again a few days ago when Wee One was starting to sniffle (I cannot afford to get sick with all of these gigs coming up in the next 10 days!) and it never took hold of me. I rubbed it on the soles of her feet, and it stopped her cold from getting any further. So amazing! And this, folks, is from the biggest cynic out there. I’m a believer now though!

So anyway. Wish me luck… it’s going to be a very busy month!!